When "We'll Handle It Privately" Feels Like Betrayal
Picture this scenario: You're in a meeting, contributing valuable insights, when a male colleague interrupts you mid-sentence to explain something you clearly already understand. His tone is dismissive, his body language patronizing. The room goes quiet. Your leader makes a mental note but says nothing in the moment.
Later, you're told: "Don't worry, we'll handle it.”, which means ‘behind closed doors’.
This situation sounds familiar because it happens constantly. If you're a woman in the workplace, this scenario has probably played out more times than you can count. The reality that this behavior continues across age demographics—not just from "old timers" who grew up in very different cultural environments—tells us everything we need to know about how deeply ingrained these patterns really are.
The Anatomy of Workplace Condescension
Condescending behavior toward women in the workplace manifests in predictable patterns:
- Interrupting when women are speaking
- Explaining things women clearly already know
- Dismissive, passive-aggressive comments (often the worst offenders)
- Patronizing tone and body language (harder to call out but unmistakable when you experience it)
This behavior is childish, frankly. But what makes it particularly damaging? It's designed to make women question themselves rather than the perpetrator's actions.
The real tragedy isn't just that this behavior happens—it's how leadership responds to it.
Why Leaders Choose the Coward's Way Out
The "behind closed doors" approach reveals a fundamental truth about organizational priorities. When organizations choose this route, what are they really protecting?
The answer is uncomfortable: They're protecting weak leadership.
Here's why this approach appeals to leaders: Dealing with negative behavior privately allows them to come out "unscathed." They avoid confrontation. They don't have to take a public stand. They can maintain the illusion that they're "handling it" without actually demonstrating the backbone required for tough leadership.
However, this choice communicates specific messages to different groups:
To women: It communicates, you are not as valued as your male counterparts. We will not stick up for you when it matters. The company doesn't think of you as equal.
To perpetrators: It communicates, you can get away with whatever you want. Your behavior is acceptable. Nothing of real consequence will happen to you.
To everyone else: It communicates, this is how we do things here. Stay in line, stay quiet, don't make waves.
The Permission Problem: How Silence Breeds More Silence
This workplace dynamic creates a pattern that extends far beyond individual incidents. When condescending behavior goes unchecked, it establishes a breeding ground that signals to women: "Be quiet. Don't be speak-up. Just stay in your place. You’re not enough."
Which is complete nonsense.
The most concerning aspect is that a lot of women don’t even realize they need permission to create boundaries. Instead, they'll spend the rest of the day overanalyzing their own behavior, confused about why someone was such a jerk to them when they didn’t do anything wrong.
If you’re a woman in this situation, that confusion is your cue to pause.
Here's the reframe: When you find yourself spiraling through those thoughts, that's the moment to flip the script: "Ya know what, that's not on me. That's on them. And while it's deeply frustrating that they took out their garbage on me, I can CHOOSE how I will react moving forward."
What Real-Time Accountability Actually Looks Like
For leaders, the solution is simpler than most think but requires courage to implement. Here's the approach:
Professionally interrupt the perpetrator. Correct their trajectory. Say that the statement or behavior is not how we do things around here. Then move on.
This approach is powerful because it literally never happens. When a woman is lucky enough to witness this support—whether as the target of the behavior or as a bystander—emotions might overflow (though you’re not likely to see them). Why? Because no one ever does that for her. Ever.
Here's what real-time intervention might sound like:
- "Hold on, Sarah was still speaking. Let's let her finish her thought. Your attitude is inappropriate."
- "That comment is disrespectful and doesn't align with how we communicate here. Please try again."
- "I need to pause this conversation. [Name], the way you just addressed [Name] was disrespectful and not supported on my teams. Please correct your language.”
Simple, professional, immediate.
The Complexity Behind the Behavior (But Not the Excuse)
Before we continue, let's acknowledge something: these behaviors are complex. While this type of behavior is prevalent among men towards women, of course it still happens every other which way. A man or woman in their late 30s displaying condescending behavior toward a team member could be influenced by their upbringing, close friends' attitudes, mentors, specific early-life events, current political climate, home stress, work stress, feeling inadequate, feeling lost, being hangry—all of it could add up.
It doesn't make it right, but it does make it difficult to unpack.
This is both a generational AND systemic issue. We've written before about how prevalent this has been throughout centuries. It's not just a "few bad actors" problem—it's woven into the fabric of how we've structured workplaces and power dynamics.
But complexity doesn't excuse inaction. Understanding root causes should inform better solutions, not enable continued tolerance.
What Leaders Can Do Tomorrow
If you're a leader reading this, here's what I want you to do differently tomorrow:
Do the work on yourself. Connect with respected leaders. Talk to HR. Read books that help you handle these situations in ways that make ALL team members feel valued.
Creating a healthy environment where team members can respectfully conflict with each other and work through tensions? That's in vogue.
Standing up for ALL of your employees? In vogue.
Being a leader that ALL team members can respect? Incredibly in vogue.
This isn't about being politically correct or walking on eggshells. It's about creating workplaces where everyone can contribute their best work without having to armor up against basic disrespect.
For Women Experiencing This Right Now
If you're living this experience, here's what I want you to know: you’re not alone. Reach out to your Chlōq community. Send us a message. We're happy to lend our perspective—while it's not coming from a psychologist but just a friend, you can take our feedback or leave it. Maybe it'll spark thoughts that help you get to a place that feels right for you.
Other ideas:
· Create your own boundary during or after the negative behavior.
· Consider having a separate conversation with leadership about why the perpetrator's behavior is unacceptable and what will be done to correct it.
· Consider filing a report with HR and asking them to use discretion.
· Speak to a mentor and evaluate other ways you might safely stand up for yourself.
Most importantly: Creating boundaries isn't a negative thing, it takes courage and it's protecting yourself from bad actors.
The Truth About "Small" Actions
Real-time accountability feels like such a small thing to leaders who haven't experienced workplace condescension. But to women who live with this daily, that moment of support can be transformational.
Because when someone finally steps up and says, "that's not how we do things here," it sends a clear message: You belong here. You're valued enough to defend. Your contributions matter.
That's not a small thing. That's everything.